just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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