a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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