it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
