she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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