I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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