Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
