hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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