I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
