FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
