new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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