who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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