Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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