We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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