Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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