i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
