i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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