Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
