we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
