hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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