I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
