I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
