Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
