you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
So much Jack, so little girl.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
