He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Two words: nipple clamps
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