I just gift wrapped bread.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
