I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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