genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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