Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
