i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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