Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
