Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
