Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
