i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Everyone says I win the strip club
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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