Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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