i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
