He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Randomize
