You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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