It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
