I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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