Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
