Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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