Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
