You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
