When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
