is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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