Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
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