I wish my penis had an off switch
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
