You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
