Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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