sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
