woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
