What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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