hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
