I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
