Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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