the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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