The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
