my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im six kinds of drunk right now
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
