I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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