He had one of those small greek statue penises
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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