Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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