That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
