Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
