i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
