I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
